I was recently reading in Bruce's book "The Power of Internal Martial Arts" about how on the path towards spiritual evolution, there are some very challenging stages where we can experience such things as "searing deserts" of the soul and "gnawing psychic thirsts," as we encounter the depths of our being through inner dissolving and martial training. He also talks about how being a spiritual warrior involves a willingness to live through several "dark nights of the soul."
I'm wondering if anyone here would be willing to share some of their expereinces of working with their demons through meditation and martial arts? Has anyone here lived through any of these "dark nights?" if so, what was it like, how long did it last and what helped you in dealing with it?
My reason for this request is to help to get some perspective on my own experience, as well as for sharing and community around these rarely-discussed experiences. I know about it, and it is very recent history. It started when I was in China. I was teaching in a university there, and I started to have some panic attacks, coming from absolutely nowhere, heart beating very fast, a feeling of death coming very soon, and other pains in the chest. Symptoms of a heart attack. Went to many doctors who said my body was perfectly well! I was kinda thinking "the guy is fooling me". But check-up after check-up, I realized that they were right.
So were was allthis pain/fear coming from? It was incredible, coming out of nowhere, especially in the evening. Really was an agony, on the physical, but even more on the emotional level. I later learnt from the internet that I was not alone. It is a symptom called "Spasmophilia" by the French. Don't look in a dictionary, the concept doesn't exist in english, it is a kind of "panic attack symptoms. People may have this for years.
Knowing this started to help me, also a supporting wife, and an australian neighbor I consider to be a sage helped me a lot too. Having a warrior spirit: oh yes it definitely was what made the difference. I can honestly say I had it. I didn't want to lose; losing meaning to be dead/crazy.
The last doctor I saw said I should be on medication for a year minimum. I thought, "fuck it, no way, better die than become a zombie". And it did finally work! Compared with some other people having the same stuff:
- I never took medication (maybe one pill when I was to take a plane)
- I never lost my job, despite the many sleepless nights I had
- I never tried to commit suicide
- I was - strangely- happy when not in a crisis.
However, my "I don't wanna lose" attitude was also my biggest flaw in many aspects. What I needed to learn (and still need somehow) was the idea of letting go. Accepting, even things I thought terrible. Including death.
That is not easy. I realized my fears and angers where coming out in my body. And it was a result of my energy practices. Not because I was not practicing correctly, I believe, but because it was a stage. I hated it.
I realized I was in a constant anger against many things. The weather, the bad environment. Fear was coming almost instantly when I was hearing a story of someone dying in car accident, or something like that. I was feeling helpless, powerless in a threatening world. I didn't want to admit it, my body spoke for me!
2 words were for me to learn: acceptance, and no-judgement. I knew these (I read some spiritual literature, too!), but I had to make them become real in my very body., not just as words. I thought coming back to my country would help me. It did, but not immediatly. It was not a matter of place, it was purely internal stuff.
That was a real dark night of the soul. AS for "ghosts", well, I was not thinking of it that way in the beginning. But I had heard about Castaneda's "flyers", ghosts feeding on human energy through emotions. I don't know if those exist, but I managed to get out definitely by saying strongly, but without hatred: "ok, you will do all the crazy stuff to my body, you may even kill me, I don't care if can't sleep, but I WON'T GIVE YOU MY FEAR.
Since then, I had some "crisises", but nothing compared with the ones I had before. I know the protocol to get out. And more important, I don't bother. Actually I believe what we feel emotionally is more important than anything else. Events may be important, but they should never be a loss of emotional balance, which is our very soul (in chinese, the heart is the root of the shen or spirit)
Several minor ones and one big one. In a period when I was practicing a great deal, something started coming out of the lungs. Then it worked out to the skin...there is stayed giving me a really hellish experience for about six months of continual skin itching along with spasmodic leg stuff every time I tried to sleep. One of the hardest times of my life. Thought I mind end there. Kept practicing...in fact my meditation was about the only thing that gave me any break at all. Couldn't sleep for very long periods. Really, really happy when that was over.
